Aug 25, 2011

The real Thalaivar Anna stands up...

Wed, Aug 24, Special correspondents all over the place: South Indian, Indian, Global, Universal Superstar Rajinikanth had yesterday offered his support for Anna Hazare and the Jan Lokpal Bill. As is usually the case with Rajini, the move had far-reaching repercussions that we summarize in this special report today.

Public reaction

Masses supporting the Jan Lokpal Bill erupted in celebration, knowing that the force was now with them, and there is no way the Jan Lokpal Bill could possibly be stopped now. People of all ages were seen dancing in the streets all over the country, to the tunes of "En Peru Padayappa", which is now the official theme of the anti-corruption movement. Responding to Thalaivar's call, the masses in Chennai also took to the streets, causing a 25-km-long traffic jam all the way from the Anna International Terminal  to the Anna Arch in Anna Nagar, via Anna Salai. The symbolism was not lost on anyone.

It is expected that the focus of the movement will shift to Chennai over the next few days. This might discourage a few people who are traveling from far and wide to join the protest. Harkishan Singh from Karnal said, 'I'd like to fast with Anna, but Chennai is too far and too bloody hot. Besides, if I travel there, I'd want to be eating a lot of idli-dosa and sambhar, not fasting'. However, people aren't really worried about the movement losing steam. After all, they now have Rajini.

Govt response

PM Manmohan Singh and his senior cabinet ministers held an 'urgent meeting' of the 'special working committee' formed to 'diffuse an extraordinary situation, while maintaining the sanctity of parliament's sovereignty'. (While some thought the verbosity was a bit over the top, others explained it was a Congress tradition.)

Kapil Sibal spoke to the press afterwards. 'The govt is not worried', he asserted, 'since there is no problem. I explained several months back that the 2G scam didn't really happen. The govt didn't lose any money. My friend Digvijay Singh also told everybody later that Kalmadi and Chavan had to be innocent as it was his opinion. So, you see, there really isn't a corruption problem. Without a problem, there can be no protest. Without a protest, we have nothing to worry about'. He signed off with his typical glib guffaw.

This didn't surprise the reporters present too much, since Sibal has been giving the appearance of a man living in a totally different reality for a while now. Some reporters were, however, heard inquiring if anyone knew what Sibal was smoking these days, and where or how they might be able to get their hands on some of that shit.

When asked what the PM felt about the situation, Sibal said, 'Oh yes, that ol fart. He was mumbling something in one corner, but you know - who listens to him anyway?! We advised the PM not to get involved in this situation, so that he can later deny any knowledge of what happened and escape all responsibility. That way, the party can stick to our stand that PM Manmohan Singh is a man of integrity, not a dirty politician'. More glib guffawing.

A lot of Congress workers were looking where they always look for direction - towards Sonia Gandhi and Rahul Gandhi. Congress leader Ajit Jogi made yet another attempt at reviving his stuttering political career by calling for Rahul Gandhi to become the head of the Lokpal organization. 'I've been calling for Rahul-ji to take over the PM's post for a while now. However, seeing as how the PM will probably be under the Lokpal in future, I now feel Rahul Gandhi should take charge of the Lokpal as and when it materializes'.

Sources, however, have informed us that Sonia and Rahul may not be returning to India at all. With Rajini on the opposite side, they don't see the point of continuing in politics. And since neither of them has a college degree, they see no future for themselves in a country where even restaurant waiters and auto-rickshaw drivers these days have at least a Masters Degree obtained through a correspondence course. There are rumors that one of them - probably Rahul - may be appearing on a Donald Trump show in the USA, or the next season of Bigg Boss in India.

Other parties' response

The BJP has not so far said anything of significance - just the usual rhetoric about how the current government is incompetent and should never have been voted to power, back in 2004. Sources inform us that they are trying really hard to get Rajinikanth to join them join Rajinikanth. All their slogans, brochures and campaign materials are being re-worked to talk about Rajini-raj instead of their historical slogan of Ram-rajya.

A Left Front spokesperson informed us that the Politburo was busy studying communist literature for guidance about dealing with the current situation. They're sure 'Marx himself' and 'Lenin himself' must have said something relevant - since they knew it all and knew better than everyone else, but they've not had much luck finding anything useful thus far. In the meantime, they're opposing everyone and everything.

Mamata Bannerjee has decided to abstain when the Bill comes up for discussion. She believes some parties such as the BJP will be voting for the Bill, and she can't be on the same side. The Left will probably be voting against the Bill - and she can't be on their side either. When asked what her own view was, she rambled incoherently and loudly for a few minutes. The reporter thought he heard the word 'Bongol' 27 times in those few minutes, but couldn't understand what she meant. We tried to reach out to other leaders of the Trinamool Congress to clarify the party's stand, but soon realized that no one matches that description.

The BSP seems fine with any version of the Lokpal, as long as at least 49% of the new Lokpal jobs created are reserved for SC/ST and OBCs.

Bad news for the Indian Cricket Team

It was being heard in some corridors that the BCCI was working on plans to have Rajini join the Indian Cricket Team to salvage some pride on the current tour of England the Indian Cricket Team take the field along with Rajini and watch him annihilate all those English (some of them, anyway) Rascallas. Rajini was expected to restore India's No 1 Test ranking through his performances in the ODI series. Rajini was also being tipped to score Sachin's 100th ton in the upcoming T20 fixture on Aug 31st.

However, Rajini is not a 100% fit, having had a kidney operation in Singapore recently. With all the criticism the BCCI has received for rushing half-fit Zaheer and Sehwag back into action with disastrous results, and with Bhajji, Ishant and Gambhir also getting injured - BCCI did not want to take any chances with Rajini's fitness. There are also rumors that Munaf is injured - in spite of not playing any matches on the current tour - but the team is hiding his injury to avoid further embarrassment. In the last practice session, Munaf was seen just strolling around looking lost and uninterested and missing all catches and ground strokes that came his way. The team physio when asked about this dismissed suggestions that it had anything to do with an injury. 'That is all Munaf ever does anyway.'

There have been suggestions that Rajini might play cricket several times in the recent past, but with India being no 1 in Tests and winning ODI World Cup - and Chennai Super Kings also winning pretty much every tournament they play - there has been no need. In the current situation, Rajini might be needed to save India when they travel to Australia later this year requested to crush those rude Aussie Rascallas later this year. When asked, chairman of selectors Kris Srikkanth told this reporter, 'Anna tum sangharsh karo, hum tumhare saath hain!' He then broke into an animated diatribe about 'gorrubtion' or something, but the reporter could not make out if he was speaking in English or Tamil, or what he was saying. After getting about half a liter of saliva on his face, he gave up and left.

There have also been rumors of Rajini competing in the inaugural Indian F1 Grand Prix later this year, but the superstar has denied this, saying the cars are too slow to compete with him.

International Reaction

With Rajini taking an active interest in politics north of Chennai, a lot of significant international activity was witnessed. Pakistani troops began withdrawing from the LoC and other border areas. The Chinese also started withdrawing from Kashmir, Arunachal and other areas - including Tibet - though they were asking for a few free DVDs of past Rajini hits in return.

The Af-Pak conflict has also been resolved. A Taliban spokesperson, wearing the look of a defeated man, told this reporter that 'We were basically just scared shit-less. We've never carried out a terror strike in Chennai, even though it is the most accessible Indian metro for us - we could just send people from the Gulf to Kerala, and they wouldn't be noticed amidst all the human traffic on that route. But we didn't want to provoke Rajini. We thought we were secure in other places due to the language barrier, but alas - that is no longer the case. Our activities are based on misrepresenting the word of God to gullible young men, and asking them to go kill the infidels. But this model doesn't work when they start hearing from Rajini directly. If we try telling them that Rajini is also an infidel, they just get disillusioned with the whole thing and leave.'

US troops shall be returning home soon, and having learnt about Rajinikanth and Hindu-ism, it is expected that Diwali will supplant Christmas as the biggest American festival this year.

The riots in England and other European cities have also ended. The miscreants realize Rajini may be watching and have decided to 'mind it their behavior', for their own good.

Greece and Portugal have requested Rajini to help them sort out their economy and finances, but the superstar has not yet responded.

Butterfly Effect for Businesses

Over the past few years, most businesses had grudgingly accepted that the US population was getting older and they would have to adapt to survive and grow. A lot of 'strategic marketing consultant' types had been making a killing in the process. However, with so many US troops - mostly young men - returning from Af-Pak all of a sudden, all alive, and expected to start to making babies with a vengeance, all the strategic business plans for dealing with the demographic shift have been thrown out of whack. America has reason to cheer, though. Sources tell us that President Barack Obama has requested Rajini for a meeting where he would be seeking Rajini's advice on the economy and several other matters. While this has not been confirmed, reliable sources tell us Rajini might agree to a 30-minute meeting with Obama in Chennai later this month.

(Legal-type Disclaimer - this post is just a very inspired work of fiction. While it is no co-incidence that the people and incidents mentioned resemble those in real-life, you would have to be out of your mind to take any of it seriously. I take absolutely NO responsibility for any idiot thinking any of this is real, or taking offense to any of it, or acting in any manner influenced by it - especially after I've put in this disclaimer!)


  1. nice the part on rahul gandhi taking over lokpal since the pm will be under the ambit lol

  2. like the Munaf part... and the f1 part... btw so rajni playing well in ODIs gives us test number 1?

  3. awesome stuff! Munaf was too good, and the rewording @ various instances was epic :)

  4. Thanks Chris! I always wanted someone to use the word 'epic' to describe something I wrote! Now I can retire in peace :)